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Case 22-1426, Document ON-AR0 3536039, Page1/6 of 217 61 M6SQmaxS1 1 distrust yourself. When a boundary is crossed or an 2 expectation violated, you tell yourself, "Someone who cares 3 about me to do all these nice things surely wouldn't also be 4 trying to harm me." This pattern of thinking is insidious, so 5 these seeds of self-doubt took root even as learned my sister 6 had also been harmed by them and came to find out years later 7 that many others had been exploited. 8 THE COURT: Just a request to slow down. g MS. FARMER: For years these memories triggered 10 significant self-recrimination, minimization and guilt. 11 blame myself for believing these predators actually wanted to 12 help me. felt tremendous survivor guilt when I heard about L3 what other girls and young women had experienced at hands of 14 Maxwell and Epstein. saw about how my sister's concern about 15 me weighed on her and felt guilty about this as well. 16 This toxic combination of being sexually exposed and 17 exploited, feeling confused and naive and blaming myself all 18 resulted in significant shame; that sickening feeling that 19 makes you want to disappear. It was not constant but would 20 come in waves, Similar to the waves that anxiety would also a1 show up. When I think back, see a slide-show of moments when 22 these feelings would surface and overwhelm me. There are too 23 many of these moments to name and though I have come a long way 24 in my path of healing, I know that these feelings will continue 25 to be triggered at times. SOUTHERN DISTRICT REPORTERS, P.C.eee (212) 805-0300 DOJ-OGR-00021606