EFTA00714014.pdf

From: "Jackie Martling" To: jeevacation@gmail.com Subject: Jackie @ "Studio Theatre" Lindenhurst LI 9:30 this Sat! Date: Wed, 20 Jul 2016 21:06:41 +0000 It's the beginning of the top of the third inning, fifth game of the 1956 World Series, and so far Don Larsen's pitching a perfect game. When he gets to the pitcher's mound, he gets poised to pitch, but then stares at home plate for a long time. Then he motions for the catcher, Yogi Berra, to come out to the mound. When Yogi gets to the mound, Don says, "For Christ's sakes, Yogi, button up your flicking fly. I'm getting mixed signals." Mrs. Pascucci walks into an eye clinic and puts a big jar on the receptionist's desk. In the jar's a huge turd fourteen inches long and five inches around. She says to the receptionist, "I need to see an optometrist." She says, "Ma'am, looking at the specimen in that jar, I'd say you need to see a proctologist, not an optometrist." Mrs. Pascucci says, "No, I need to see an optometrist. Every time I take a shit my eyes water." What has two arms, two legs, two boobs & sucks? A wife and a vacuum cleaner ******* A drunk's walking down the sidewalk when two nuns come around the corner and are walking towards him. At the last minute the two nuns walk around either side of him. The drunk says, "H-how'd she do that?" ******* 9:30pm this Saturday, July 23rd Studio Theatre 141 South Wellwood Ave. Lindenhurst, New York studiotheatreli.com ******* EFTA00714014 8pm Thursday, August 18th HA! Comedy CIS 257 Market St. (1 Ridge Hill Rd.) Yonkers, New York haridgehill.com 9pm Friday, August 19th Joke-In-The-Box Comedy Club Elks Club 134 North Main St. Leominster, Massachusetts ******* 8pm Wednesday, August 25th Joe Conklin's 360 Lounge Parx Casino 2999 Street Rd. Bensalem, Pennsylvania www.parxcasino.com ******* all show info on jokeland.com ******* A college professor says to her creative writing class, "Your assignment is to write the shortest story you can that includes religion, sexuality and mystery." Only one girl got an A on her paper. She wrote: "Good God, I'm pregnant ... I wonder who did it?" ******* Two bananas are laying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by. The turd looks over at the two bananas and says, "Hey, guys, come on in! The water's fine!" One banana turns to the other banana and says, "Do you believe that shit?" ******* EFTA00714015 A guy goes into a barber shop, sits down in the chair, the barber cuts his hair, and after he gets done, as the guy gets up to take out his wallet, the barber goes over and takes a leak in the corner of the barber shop. Takes a piss! The barber finishes and comes back. As the guy hands the barber a fifty-dollar bill, he says, "Listen, pal, it's ... it's none of my business, but why ... why would you take a piss in the corner of your own barber shop?" The barber says, "Hey, my lease is up in two weeks. Do I care?" The barber goes over to the cash register, rings up the haircut, and when he comes back with the guy's change, the guy's squatting, taking a shit on the floor. The barber says, "What are you doing?" The guy says, "Well, fuck, I'm leaving now" The world is crumbling all arounbd us. Please pass these jokes around, we all need to schmile a bit ... please stop a stranger on the street and tell them about this list ... tell them all, to get on it, just e-mail me, jokeland@aol.com when's the last time you "Used Your Finger" and dialed ?! still going, 37 years later ... [ Jackie I ******* An old Jewish guy and a hooker go into an alley and she pulls down his pants and his underpants. Then she says, "Gimme a hundred bucks." He hands her a hundred dollars and she runs away. He says, "So it shouldn't be a total loss, I'll take a shit." ******** Rosegarten's siting in the living room when his wife walks in wearing a man-tailored shirt and panties. She says, "Rosegarten, have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?" He says, "No." She gives him a sexy little smile, unbuttons the top three buttons of her shirt, slowly reaches down into cleavage created by her silky push-up bra and pulls out a crumpled twenty-dollar bill. Rosegarten takes the crumpled twenty-dollar bill from her and smiles. She says, "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" He says, "N-no ..." EFTA00714016 She gives him another sly smile, slowly reaches into her tight, sheer panties and pulls out a crumpled fifty-dollar bill. Rosegarten takes the crumpled fifty-dollar bill from her and smiles again. She says, "Now ... have you ever seen fifty thousand dollars all crumpled up?" Rosegarten says, "What? No." She says, "Go look in the garage." ******** please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartling ******* Friedman really wants to fuck his wife in the ass, and after he's tried everything he can think of with no luck, he decides to get help from a psychologist. The psychologist says, "There's one sure-fire solution to your problem. There's a very special herb that only grows in the Amazon ... it's very hard to find, but if you go there and find it, it'll be well worth it, because it'll solve your problem." Ten years later, after an incredible journey which includes being caught by cannibals and almost dying of malaria, Friedman goes back to the doctor and says, "Here it is, here's the herb." The doctor says, "That's terrific. I'll prepare it. Come back tomorrow." The next day when he gets there the doctor hands Friedman a little bottle filled with green liquid. Friedman says, "Okay, how do I use it, Doc?" The doctor says, "It's easy. You put the bottle on your wife's night table, and then you say, 'Honey, would you grab that little bottle for me?' And when she turns around and bends over to grab it, boom!, you fuck her in her ass." ****** The Boss calls his whole staff into his office and tells them a joke he's just heard at lunch. Everybody howls, except for one young secretary. The Boss says, "What's the matter? Haven't you got a sense of humor?" She says, "Only when something is funny, asshole. By the way, I resigned this morning." ****** 9:30pm Saturday, July 23rd Studio Theatre 141 South Wellwood Ave. Lindenhurst, New York EFTA00714017 studiotheatreli.com ******* What happened to the absent-minded Greek on his honeymoon? He got his wife pregnant ******* the good news: I met my girlfriend on Tinder ... the bad news: it was after we were already going out ... ***** A Greek and an Italian are discussing who has the superior culture. The Greek says, "We built the Parthenon." The Italian says, "We built the Coliseum." The Greek says, "We gave birth to mathematics." The Italian says, "But we built the Roman Empire." The Greek says, "We invented sex." The Italian thinks a second, and then he says, "That's true. But it was our idea to include the women." ***** A guy's drowning. The lifeguard swims out, drags him in, puts him on the edge of the shore, and starts pumping his arms ... pumping his arms ... Out of his mouth comes water, "Aarrghh " He keeps pumping his arms ... here comes fish, and clams, and seaweed. Another guy comes walking along and says, "Hey! You better get his asshole out of the water! You're gonna empty the ocean!" ***** How can you tell a pothead came to stay at your house? He's still there. ***** Minervini and his wife are having hard times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not sure what to do, so Minervini says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner." She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says "Shit. All I've got is thirty." She says, "Hold on." EFTA00714018 She runs back to her husband and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?" Minervini says, "A hand job." She runs back and says, "For thirty dollars I can give you a hand job." He says, "Ummm ... okay." She gets in the car, he unzips his pants and out pops a huge cock. She stares at it for a minute and then says, "I'll be right back ..." She runs back around the corner and says, "Minervini, can you please loan this guy seventy bucks?" Polish pirate? He's got a patch on both eyes. ******* Kelly buys a parrot for companionship, and when he gets it home, the parrot starts saying, "Fuck you. Eat shit. Everybody's a piss-head." Kelly storms back into the pet shop and says to the owner, "This is a horribly filthy- mouthed parrot. I want my money back." The pet shop owner doesn't want to lose the sale, so he says, "Come back in a week, I'll get him in line." When Kelly comes back a week later, the pet shop owner says, "Watch this." He lifts the parrot's left leg, and the parrot recites the "Our Father" prayer. He lifts the parrots right leg, and the parrot recites the "Hail Mary" prayer. So Kelly takes it home. And he's so proud of what it can do, he invites the local priest over so he can show it off. After he demonstrates, the priest says, "What happens when you lift both legs?" The parrot says, "I fall on my fucking ass, you stupid cocksucker." ******* Elton John goes into a tattoo parlor and says, "I want you to put a picture of a Rolls Royce on my cock." The tattoo artist says, "You'd be better off with a Land Rover. It won't get stuck in all of that shit." ***** Special! download! download six of my wild dirty jokes Oglio CD's only $20! plus! ... you get a hundred insults & "The Pot Song" ! Jackie's 6 CD Special ***** EFTA00714019 It's very late and Mrs. Lombardi walks in a half-day early from being out of town. She runs right up the stairs and opens the door to her bedroom. Sticking out from under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She freaks out, reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. When she finally can't hold the bat any more, she throws it to the floor and goes down to the kitchen to have a drink. When she walks in, there's her husband at the table, reading a magazine. He says, "Wow, you're home early, huh? Your parents came for a surprise visit, so I let them have our bed." ****** if a Jewish man does something and his wife isn't there to see it, is he still wrong? ****** A lawyer says to his partner, "Are you fucking the new secretary?" The other lawyer says, "No." He says, "Then you fire her." ****** yep, it's The JokeLand E-Mail List! free yuks! please tell everybody you know! free jokes! free jokes! ... by just e-mailing me, jokeland@aol.com ****** An Italian says to his neighbor, "Ey, Tony, lemme ask-a you something ... you like-a woman with-a big, sloppy chests, they droop-a down-a like-a this?" Tony says, "No." He says, "Lemme ask-a you, you like-a woman with-a big-a huge rear end like a dump-a truck?" Tony says, "No." He says, "And-a lemme ask-a you, you like-a woman v, ith-a big-a, thick-a moustache and she's-a smell like garlic all the time?" Tony says, "Hell no." He says, "Then why you fuck-a my wife?" ******** Two old guys are sitting on a park bench and the first guy says, "I'm so old I can't even remember how old I am." The second guy says, "I can tell you how old you are." EFTA00714020 The first guy says, "Oh, yeah?" The second guy says, "Yeah. Stand up." He does it. The second guy says, "Now pull down your pants and your underpants." He does it. The second guy says, "Now bend over and stick three fingers as far up your ass as you can." He does it. The second guy says, "You're ninety-three." The first guy says, "How can you tell?" The second guy says, "You told me yesterday." ******** Schlatter gets on an elevator with a big fat broad. He says, "Can I smell your snatch?" She says, "No." He says, "Then it must be your feet." ******** A fanner has a prize bull, and the morning of The County Fair the farmer notices that the bull has gone cross-eyed. He calls the vet, the vet comes over with a hollow rod, lifts the bull's tail, and sticks in in. He tells the fanner, "Hold the bull's head and tell me when his eyes are back normal." Then he blows into the rod s hard as he can, and pop!, the bulls eyes go normal, and the fanner yells, "You done it." The vet says, "That'll be six hundred dollars." The morning of the next year's County Fair the farmer notices that the bull has gone cross- eyed again. He doesn't want to go for another six hundred bucks, so he grabs a hollow tube, and says to one of his farmhands, "Juan, hold the bull's head and tell me when his eyes are back normal." The fanner lifts the bull's tail, sticks in the tube, and blows as hard as he can. Nothing. He blows again, and nothing. He blows and blows, but nothing happens. He says, "Juan, I'll hold his head, you come back here and blow into this tube." Juan, says, "Si," walks to the back of the bull, pulls out the tube, turns it around, and sticks it back in. The farmer says, "What the hell'd you do that for?" Juan says, "I no want your germs, boss." ******** The World's Best Gifts! they keep on giving! EFTA00714021 all six of Jackie's Ogles joke CD's ... hard copies or downloads! The Joke Man, Sgt.Pecker, Hot Dogs & Donuts, Come Again?, F. jackie & snart are available on Amazon, iTunes ( snart is on sale! ), and at Qglio.com ********* A guy's sitting on a train looking over at a lady with her baby and he says, "Lady, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. My God, what an ugly kid. That baby looks like a monkey." The lady starts crying uncontrollably, she's really freaking out. She runs up to the conductor and says, "That man over there insulted me. He's so mean. I'm so upset." The conductor says, "Calm down, ma'am, calm down. Next stop we'll jump off and get you a nice hot cup of coffee. Hey, maybe well even find a banana for your monkey." ******** please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST @JackieMartling ********* A Jewish lady's in a restaurant when she turns to a man sitting alone at the table next to her. She says, "Sir, your napkin has fallen on the floor." He says, "Oy. Tanks for dat. Vit out you, I vouldn't know. I'm blindt." He reaches and grabs his napkin and says, "Have I shpilt any food on my shoit?" She says, "Hardly any, just a few cracker crumbs." He says, "Oy. Tanks, again, miss. Vit out you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings." A few minutes later, he says, "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?" She says, "Not at all." He says, "I don't do veil vit de ladies. Do you tink I'm ugly?" She says, "No, not at all. That shouldn't be a problem." He says, "Vat a relief. I vas alvays afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you." She says, "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" He says, "Not one little bit. All de help vat you've got, I vill take." She says, "Lose the Jewish accent. You're a shvartze." ********* ... and huge thanks to Phil Iazzetta & iHeart Radio 24/7 Comedy EFTA00714022 he plays me a-plenty ... ******** What do you get if you lick a Girl Scout? Ten years. ******** Schneider's shopping with his wife when he picks up a case of beer that's on sale and puts it in the shopping cart. His wife says, "Put that back." Walking down the next aisle, Schneider's wife picks up a big jar of face cream. He says, "What's that for?" She says, "It makes me pretty." Schneider says, "So does the beer, and that's on sale." ******** Burford and his wife take separate vacations for the first time. When they get back home, Burford says, "I almost did something awful. One night at the hotel, I danced all night with a great looking woman. Of course we were drinking the whole time, and I wound up in her room. She pulled down the covers, we took off our clothes, she lied on her back on the bed, and I actually crawled on top of her. But, before anything could happen, I thought of you, hopped off her, and ran to my room. What do you have to say about that?" His wife says, "You're lucky. You were on top." ******** please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartling ******* to hear endless jokes from all of my CDs, get the Pandora or the Spotifr app and type in "Jackie Martling"... ******** How's jizz like jazz? It's all over the place. EFTA00714023 ******** the $2.95 Guys are the official supplier of all JokeLand tees PikCARDS are the greatest! terrific ads for your band! please take a look! www.pikcard.com ********* How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis. Ladder! I meant ladder! ********* for great dirty jokes 24/7, Use Your Finger! dial ! free jokes for The Universe since 1979... simply dial ... not a pay service, just a regular call... 37 years of free jokes! ******* Schneider says to a hooker, "How much?" She says, "Three hundred bucks." He says, "Too much. I'll tell you what ... blow me and I'll give you two hundred and my cell phone." She figures, that's not too bad ... so she leads him into an alley and blows him. When she's done, Schneider hands her two hundred dollars and says, "It's 917-922-9463." ******* for the kids: How do you make a witch itch? Take away the "w." What are ghosts' favorite desserts? Boo-berry pie and I Scream. What's blue and smells just like red paint? Blue paint EFTA00714024 What did one eye say to the other eye? "Something between us smells." What kind of key opens a banana? A mon-key. Where do pirates play games? At the arrghhh-cade. End of Kids' Section! Berger's wife says to her friend, "Our sex life stinks." Her friend says, "Do you ever watch your husband's face when you're having sex?" She says, "Once, and I saw rage." Her friend says, "Why would he be angry during sex?" Berger's wife says, "Because he was looking through the window at us." ******* What's better than celebrating your first Hanukkah? Not being Jewish. ******* having trouble getting it up for the wife? ... put a wig over her face and pretend you're fucking her in the ass ... ******* Why don't state workers look out the window in the morning? Because then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon. ******* Schwartz says to the doctor, "How much do you charge?" The doctor says, "One hundred twenty-five dollars for the first visit and fifty dollars a visit after that." Schwartz says, "It's good to see you again, Doc." ***** What do you call it when you're eating pussy and the girl farts? A breath offresh air EFTA00714025 ***** Tammy says, "Doc, I've got a terrible backache." He says, "Go home, take a hot bath, then lie on the bed naked and pull your legs up over your head." She goes home, takes a bath, lies down on the bed naked and pulls her legs up way over her head. Her husband walks in from work and says, "For Christ's sakes, Tammy, comb your hair and put in your teeth. You're looking more like your mother every day." What's an 800-pound gerbil do for kicks? He sticks homos up his ass. A blind guy sits down in a diner and says to the waiter, "I'm sorry, but I'm blind and I can't read the menu. So just bring me a dirty fork, I'll smell it, and order from there." The waiter picks up a greasy fork, and hands it to the blind guy. The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, breathes deep, and says, "Ah...that's what I'll have...meatloaf and mashed potatoes." The waiter can't believe it, and he goes and tells his wife, who's the cook. The next day the blind guy walks in and the waiter says, "I'll get you a dirty fork." He gets a dirty fork, hands it to the blind guy, the blind guy smells it, and says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." The waiter thinks the blind guy is fucking with him, so the next day when the blind guy walks in, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your snatch." She does it, and then he goes out and hands it to the blind guy. The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey, I didn't know Mary worked here." ***** A little old Italian woman's riding in an elevator when a sexy young girl gets in smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and goes, "(sne sniff7) Giorgio, Beverly Hills, one hundred dollars an ounce." The Italian woman bends over, (lbbbtti) rips a very healthy fart, and says, "Broccoli, forty- nine cents a pound." ***** I hear your Mom takes short steps so her guts don't fall out ... ***** EFTA00714026 How do you make a skeleton? Put a leper in a wind tunnel. How do you make sausage? Put a sock at the other end. please follow me on Twitter ! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartling ******* Gomer lives on a farm, and he knows nothing about women or sex, so for his twenty-first birthday, his paw gives him fifty bucks and tells him to go to town and buy himself a hooker. Gomer goes to town, meets a hooker in front of a bar, offers her the fifty, and they go back to her place. When they get there, she tells him he'll have to settle for a blow job because she's having her period. He says, "What's a period?" She says, "I'll show you." She lifts up her dress, and pulls out her tampon. She says, "See? I'm bleeding." He says, "Well, it's no wonder yer bleedin'. Somebody done cut your pecker off." ******* www.jokeland.com for information on Jackie's shows, you can always just "Use Your Finger!" thirty-seven years of free 'okes! and dial not a pay service, just a local call... ****** A Polish couple's on vacation when they see a sign that says, "Helicopter Tours, $200." The wife says, "Isn't that a lot of money just to look around in a helicopter?" ****** I hope you enjoyed this month's jokes ... if you didn't, why don't you undress and walk into a herd of cactuses? EFTA00714027 You've received this e-mail either because you've signed up at the JokeLand website to be kept informed about what Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling is up to, or because you are currently having an online dialog with Jackie. If this is not the case OR to be forever removed from this list, please reply to this e-mail with the word "unlist" in the subject line. thanks, a JokeLand E-Mail JokeLand Inc. Box 58 Bayville, NY 11709 USA This email was sent by JokeLand, Inc., located at Box 58, Bayville, NY 11709 (USA). You've received this e- mail either because you've signed up at the JokeLand website to be kept informed about what Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling is up to, or because you are currently having an online dialog with Jackie. If this is not the case OR to be forever removed from this list, please click here or reply to this email with "unlist" in the Subject line. EFTA00714028