EFTA02385495.pdf

From: Jackie Martling Sent: Friday, February 17, 2017 7:59 PM To: jeevacation@gmail.com Subject: Jackie shows! Yonkers, Lancaster PA, Long Island! my autobiography, "The Joke Man: Bow To Stern" is ready for action! it's being released October 24th ... on Pre-Sale now! take care of many Holiday presents with one click! http://jackiethejokeman.com <http://jackiethejokeman.com/> ***** •• • Rosegarten goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog. A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out of her armpit, and tosses it on the bun. Rosegarten says, "What the hell was that all about?" She says, "I was just keeping it warm for you." He says, "Cancel my hot dog." Mrs. Bergmann says to her neighbor, "The Sunday School teacher asked a question, and my Caitlin was the only one who could answer it." Her neighbor says, "Really? What was the question?" "Who farted?" •••••••• Spring is around the coroner! yow. an especially bad typo for a newly minted 69-year-old ... please buy many, many copies of my book! I call that Incredibly Direct Marketing. when's the last time you "Used Your Fin er!" and dialed still going, 38 years later .. please tell everybody you know ... to get on the list for monthly jokes, just e-mail me, jokeland@aol.com and remember ... Friends may come, and friends may go, And friends may peter out, you know ... But we'll be friends through thick and thin, EFTA_R1_01404629 EFTA02385495 Peter out, or peter in .... Long Island! I hope to see you at Studio Theatre in Lindenhurst 8pm Saturday, April 15th ... this is where I type I love you & appreciate you, and always have ... Jackie Mrs. Beccarino says to her husband, "I heard on the news that we're going to get a big rain storm tomorrow, so I was wondering if you'd fix the hole in the roof." He says, "Who do I look like, Bob fuckin' Villa?" The next day she says, "The laundry's backed up. Could you fix the washing machine?" He says, "Who do I look like, Timmy the fuckin' Tool Man?" The next night she walks in at seven o'clock. He says, "Where the hell have you been?" She says, "The car broke down on my way shopping and I had to have it towed to a garage. After the mechanic fixed it, I realized I had forgotten my credit cards and that I didn't have enough money to pay him. After I told him, he told me I could either blow him or bake him a cake." He says, "Heh, heh. So what kind of cake did you bake him?" She says, "Who do I look like, Betty fuckin' Crocker?" What's white and goes up? A retarded snowflake. Nodell's walking around Home Depot when he sees an old High School pal. He says, "Walter? Is that you? I haven't seen you in thirty years. Man, you look great." Walter says, "Hey, man! Yeah, it's me. Thanks. I take good care of myself. Work out, eat right, don't drink or smoke. What are you up to?" Nodell says, "Ah, my wife and I always get separated in these big stores. I'm trying to find her." Walter says, "My wife's lost, too." Nodell says, "We should go looking for them together. What's your wife look like?" Walter says, "She's twenty-seven, long blonde hair, great body. What's your wife look like?" Nodell says, "Fuck it, let's look for yours." *•****** 8:30pm tomorrow night! February 18th! with Tara Cannistraci! "Ha! Comedy Club" 257 Market St. (1 Ridge Hill Rd.) Yonkers, New York (914) 358-9260 2 EFTA_R1_01404630 EFTA02385496 http://www.haridgehill.com <http://www.haridgehill.com/> ***** Friday 8, Saturday 8.10, March 3.4th "Stitches Comedy Club" Lancaster Family Resort 2270 Lincoln Highway East Lancaster, Pennsylvania (717) 826-3472 http://stitchescomedy.com <http://stitchescomedy.com/> 8pm Saturday, April 15th "Studio Theatre" 141 South Wellwood Ave. Lindenhurst, New York (631) 226-8400 http://studiotheatreli.com <http://www.studiotheatreli.com/> all show info on jokeland.com Mrs. Cusswort takes a final look at her husband just before his wake, and she says to the funeral director, "You know, Alfie looks great, but I'm so worried about his toupee sliding down. I know it would just break his heart if his toupee slid down." The funeral director says, "Don't worry about a thing, lady." Two days later, the funeral's over, and Mrs. Cusswort says to the funeral director, "Alfie's toupee stayed right in place the whole time. I can't thank you enough. By the way, what'd you do to keep it in place?" He says, "I stapled it on." How do fish get high? Seaweed. ***it** A drunk comes stumbling out of a bar as a woman is walking up with her Chihuahua. He bumps into her, and then pukes all over the dog. He looks down and says, "I-I don't remember e-eating that." 3 EFTA_R1_01404631 EFTA02385497 A kid gets run over by a car outside a Catholic church and he's in very serious condition. A man runs to him and says, "Would you like me to get a priest?" The kid says, "Can't you see I'm dying, mister? Sex is the last thing on my mind." A little girl walks into a pet shop says, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you sell widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper says, "Aww ... do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She says, "I don't tink my pet python weally gives a thit." for the Baby Boomers: What do you get when you cross a dead sidekick with a talking horse? Mr. Ed McMahon. please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... glackieMartling ** • • • • A drunk's walking along and smacks into a tree. He backs up a few steps and then walks into the tree again. And then he does it again. He mumbles, "Th-this is great. I-I was supposed to be home h-hours ago, and h-here I am, I-lost in the forest." Why'd the Jewish guy get a dog instead of a wife? The dog didn't have a mother and it already had a fur coat. Mrs. Figshelf walks into the house and there's her husband fucking a strange woman on the living room floor. She says, "Figshelf, what the hell's going on?" He says, "There's a simple explanation. I picked up this poor girl hitchhiking. She was cold and hungry, so I brought her home and fed her. Her clothes were torn and ragged, and you have so much, so I gave her a few things of yours to wear. And she was barefoot, and you have so many pairs of shoes, so I gave her a pair of yours. And then, as she was leaving, she turned around and said, 'Is there anything else around here that your wife doesn't use?'" • • • • * • • A guy walks into a bar all upset. 4 EFTA_R1_01404632 EFTA02385498 The bartender says, "What's the matter?" The guy says, "Ahh, I had a fight with my wife and she told me she wasn't going to talk to me for a month." The bartender says, "That sucks." The guy says, "You're not kidding. The month is up today." and now, a bit of Joke History ... this is The World's First "Good News Bad News" Joke ... Here we are in the galley of a slave ship in the time of the Pharaohs, and the slaves are rowing their asses off. The slave master comes down the steps and cracks! his whip. He says, "All right, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we're gonna have movies every Saturday night." The slaves let out a moan, "Yayyyy ..." He says, "And now for the bad news. The captain wants to go waterskiing." Sabean, his girlfriend and his boss are having dinner at Sabean's home. Sabean's girlfriend says to his boss, "How many potatoes would you like?" His boss says, "Just one, please." His girlfriend says "Just one? Are you sure? There's no need to be polite." His boss says, "Oh, okay. Yeah, just one, you dopey bitch." my autobiography, "The Joke Man: Bow To Stern" is ready for action! it's being released October 24th ... on Pre-Sale now! take care of many Holiday presents with one click! http://jackiethejokeman.com <http://jackiethejokeman.com/> A kid goes to pick up his blind date, and when he gets there, he finds out she has no arms and no legs. But he's a good sport, so he puts her in the car, takes her to a movie. When the movie's over, he puts her back in the car. When he gets in his side of the car, she says, "Have you got any rope with you?" He says, "Yeah." She says, "You know where that big oak is, the one with the low limb, down in the dark corner of the park?" He says, "Yeah." She says, "Why don't you take us there?" And he agrees, because it helps the joke. When they get there, she has him undress her, and then she gives him explicit instructions how to use the rope to suspend her from the limb, and they proceed to have the wildest sex the guy's ever had in his entire life. When they get done, he takes her home, carries her inside, and puts her on the couch. As he's leaving, her father meets him at the door and says, "Here, son." The guy looks down, and her father is handing him five hundred dollars. 5 EFTA_R1_01404633 EFTA02385499 Her father says, "Please take this." The guy says, "I can't take that, sir." Her father says, "Please, son, I appreciate what you did tonight. Take the money." The kid says, "Sir, I can't take the money. You see, I-I had sex with your daughter." Her father says, "Of course you did. But at least you didn't leave her hanging from that fucking tree." Special! download! download six of my wild dirty jokes Oglio CD's only $20! plus! ... you get a hundred insults & "The Pot Song" ! Jackie's 6 CD Special! Minervini stops to visit his friend who's paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get me my sneakers for me?" Minervini goes upstairs, and there's his friend's two gorgeous daughters. He says, "Hi, girls. Your daddy sent me up here to fuck you." The first daughter says, "That's not true." Minervini says, "I'll prove it." He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?" The paralyzed guy yells back, "Of course both of them." yep, it's The Jokeland E-Mail List! free yuks! please tell everybody you know! free jokes! free jokes! ... by just e-mailing me, jokeland@aol.com Frawley's drunk, he comes home late, crawls in bed, goes down on his wife and really has at it. He slobbers and licks and sucks and sticks his fingers in places where they barely fit. Then he gets up, walks into the bathroom, and his wife is standing there. He says, "What are you doing in here?" She says, "Shhh! Your mother's in our bed." What would you call an anorexic booger? Slim Pickins. The bartender says, "What's the matter, pal?" Schmidlap says, "My wife's been wearing crotchless panties." "What's wrong with that?" 6 EFTA_R1_01404634 EFTA02385500 "They weren't crotchless when she bought them." What do you say to a blonde with a plaid dildo? "Give me back my thermos." What's white and brown and has five legs? A pit bull running from a schoolyard. The World's Best Gifts! they keep on giving! all six of Jackie's Oglio joke CD's ... hard copies or downloads! The Joke Man, Sgt.Pecker, Hot Dogs & Donuts, Come Again?, F. Jackie & snart are available on Amazon, iTunes ( snarl is on sale! ), and at Oglio.com Dirty Johnny's in the back yard digging a hole. The neighbor lady says, "What're you doing?" Johnny says, "My goldfish died, so I'm burying him." The neighbor lady says, "Why would you dig such a big hole for a goldfish?" Johnny says, "Because he's inside your fucking cat." please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST @JackieMartling What're the two reasons guys hang out in bars? Either they have no wife to go home to, or because they have a wife at home. ... and huge thanks to Phil lazzetta & iHeart Radio 24/7 Comedy he plays me a-plenty ... 7 EFTA_R1_01404635 EFTA02385501 ***** Olt What's the book Hitler wrote about the place where he roasted marshmallows? "Mein Kampfire." now that so many women shave their twats bald, we've lost countless great jokes ... Friedman wakes up sweating in the middle of the night and says to his wife, "Honey, I was having a terrible nightmare. I fell off a cliff and I was zooming down to my death. luckily, on the way down there was a big shrub on the side of the hill. I grabbed it, and it stopped my fall. And then I woke up. Thank God it was a dream, and everything's okay." His wife smacks the back of his hand that's on her crotch, and says, "Then I guess now you can let go of the bush." tttttttt Three couples go camping, and one couple forgets their tent, so they decide the men will sleep in one tent and the women will sleep in the other. In the middle of the night, Billy says, "Jesus stripes, Rob, will you look at this beautiful hard-on I've got? My God. It must be all the fresh air. I'm going over to see my wife." Rob says, "You want me to come with you?" Billy says, "And why the fuck would I want you to come with me?" Rob says, "Because that's my cock your holding." the $2.95 Guys are the official supplier of all JokeLand tees PikCARDS are the greatest! terrific ads for your band! please take a look! www.pikcard.com <http://www.pikcard.com/> Stash says to Magda, "Honey, it's Tuesday, and we're getting married on Saturday. Can we get undressed and have a bit of fun?" She says, "No, Stashu, you'll have to wait until Saturday." He says, "Well, how about letting me have just a little sniff, then?" She figures that's harmless, so she pulls up her dress and pulls down her panties so Stash can have a whiff. He puts his face right up to her very hairy crotch, and takes a deep breath. He pushes her away, looks up, and says, "Magda, my sweet, I'm not sure this thing is gonna keep 'til Saturday." for great dirty jokes 24/7, Use Your Finger! dial (516) 922-WINE ! 8 EFTA_R1_01404636 EFTA02385502 free jokes for The Universe since 1979... simply dial (516) 922-9463 ... ... not a pay service, just a regular call ... 38 years of free jokes! for the kids: Why'd the cat sleep under the car? She wanted to wake up oily. Where do baby cows go for lunch? The calf-eteria. The teacher says, "Johnny, can you name six wild animals?" Johnny says, "Sure. Four elephants and two lions." What's big and grey and has six legs, three ears, four tusks, and two trunks? An elephant with spare parts. What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a rose? I don't know, either, but if I were you, I wouldn't bend over to smell it. Knock, knock ... Who's there? Somebody who's too short to ring the bell. End of Kids' Section! *•**• *Ai What do you say to a woman who won't suck your cock? "Honey, I'm home." It's a rainy day. Lange meets a hooker on the street and they go into an alley. She takes it out, takes a look and says, "It's too big." He says, "That's no reason to drop it in the mud." What would you call a bunch of Polish guys wearing turbans? A Pakistanleys. s•♦s••s 9 EFTA_R1_01404637 EFTA02385503 It's 1946, Durkin's got a seaside bar & grill on the boardwalk on Coney Island, and business is terrible. It's midnight, the joint's empty, and just as he decides he's going to lock the door for the last time, a clam walks in. The clam says, "Too late to get a gin and tonic?" Durkin says, "Nah, what the hell," goes behind the bar, and serves the clam a drink. The clam tells him about his hard life, sprinkled with a few really funny stories, and then says, "Mind if I play the piano?" Durkin says, "Nah, what the hell, go ahead." The clam sits at the piano and starts pounding away and singing his heart out. A few people walking by see him, come in, and start drinking. Pretty soon the place is full, the clam never stops, and everybody stays until closing time. After everybody's gone, Durkin says to the clam, "You ain't bad. What's your name?" The clam says, "I'm Joe. Want me to come back tomorrow night?" Durkin says, "Yeah. I want you here every night." Durkin puts a sign in the window, "Tonight, on the piano, Joe The Clam," and for the next few months the place is packed to the hilt six nights a week. Durkin's swimming in cash, there's women everywhere, and Joe's become a local celebrity. One Monday, it's the afternoon of their day off, and Joe drags himself into the bar with his shell all busted up, hanging off him in pieces. He's in really bad shape. Durkin says, "What happened?" Joe says, "I was under the pier with this hot starfish and her lobster boyfriend caught us. Beat me up pretty bad." Durkin takes him up to his apartment over the bar and tucks him into bed. He says, "Just rest, Joe. You're going to be fine. Now, listen ... I got a date tonight with that blonde who's been coming in lately, so if we come in and I manage to get her into the bed, don't say anything. Try to stay out of the way." Durkin takes the blonde to dinner, they get drunk, he brings her up to the apartment, they get undressed, they climb into bed and they really go to town. The next morning, Durkin's eyes open, he remembers the night before, and he smiles. He looks over at the blonde and says, "Did you have a good time last night?" She says, "Oh, it was wonderful." She says, "What was that?" He says, "I said, did you like what I did to you down there with my tongue?" She says, "You didn't do anything to me down there with your tongue." Durkin says, "Oh my God ... I ate my best friend." Ellis picks up an older woman in a bar, brings her home, and they start getting it on. He starts sucking on one of her tits and milk comes out. He says, "Hey, are you pregnant?" She says, "That wasn't a nipple. It was a boil." please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartling to hear endless jokes from all of my CDs, get the Pandora or the Spotify app and type in "Jackie Martling" 10 EFTA_R1_01404638 EFTA02385504 ***** Olt Frawley thinks his wife might be cheating on him, so he hires the world's best Chinese private eye, Hung Lo. Then for months, he doesn't hear from him. Finally one day Hung Lo comes rolling into his office in an electric wheelchair. Both legs are broken, both arms are broken, and he's got on a neck brace. Frawley says, "Hung Lo, what happened to you?" Hung Lo says, "I exprain wha happen. For weeks I forrow your wife. Forrow, forrow, forrow. Then one day I forrow her to hotel. She meet boyfren in robby, I stay outside hotel. They go up in elevator, I go up in tree. They go in room, I go out on rimb. They sit on couch, I sit on rimb. He take off her shirt, she take off his shirt ... I take off my shirt. She take off his pants, he take off her pants ... I take off my pants. He play with she, she play with he, I play with me, fall out of fuckin' tree." I've started to have a problem getting an erection ... my girlfriend bought me some Viagra, and I bought her a treadmill ... Jesus and Moses are sitting poolside, and Moses says, "I wonder if we've still got it." Jesus says, "Why don't you see?" Moses stands up, points his hand, and separates the pool into two bodies of water. Jesus says, "That was great." Moses says to Jesus, "Give it a shot." Jesus gets up, starts to walk across the pool, and sinks like a stone. He gets out and says, "I wonder what's wrong?" Moses says, "It's probably those fucking holes in your feet." How's driving like jerking off? The faster you go the better it feels, and your girlfriend'll never be able to do it as well as you can. Who was the first gay Walt Disney character? Mickey Mouth. please follow me on Twitter ! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartling 11 EFTA_R1_01404639 EFTA02385505 A girl's stark naked sunning herself on top of a roof when she falls asleep, rolls over and falls off the building. As she comes flying past an open window, there's a guy standing there, and he catches her. She's naked. He says, "Will you fuck me?" She says, "No." He drops her. She falls a few more stories and there's another guy by an open window. He catches her. She's nude. He says, "Will you suck me?" She says, "No." He drops her. She falls a few more stories, and there's another guy by an open window. He catches her. He drops her and says, "You whore." www.jokeland.com for information on Jackie's shows, you can always just "Use Your Finger!" thirty-seven years of free jokes! and dial (516) 922-WINE ... (516) 922-9463 not a pay service, just a local call ... A guy gets a new job. He works Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?" The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm fucking her." The boss says, "You fuck your own sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick." my autobiography, "The Joke Man: Bow To Stern" is ready for action! it's being released October 24th ... on Pre-Sale now! take care of many Holiday presents with one click! http://jackiethejokeman.com <http://jackiethejokeman.com/> I hope you enjoyed this month's jokes ... if you didn't, why don't you go shit and fall back in it?. 12 EFTA_R1_01404640 EFTA02385506 You've received this e-mail either because you've signed up at the JokeLand website to be kept informed about what Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling is up to, or because you are currently having an online dialog with Jackie. If this is not the case OR to be forever removed from this list, please send an e-mail to jokeland@aol.com with the word "unlist" in the subject line. thanks, a JokeLand E-Mail JokeLand Inc. Box 58 Bayville, NY 11709 USA This email was sent by JokeLand, Inc., located at Box 58, Bayville, NY 11709 (USA). You've received this e-mail either because you've signed up at the JokeLand website to be kept informed about what Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling is up to, or because you are currently having an online dialog with Jackie. If this is not the case OR to be forever removed from this list, please click here or reply to this email with "unlist" in the Subject line. 13 EFTA_R1_01404641 EFTA02385507