EFTA02403085.pdf

From: Jackie Martling Sent: Saturday, March 18, 2017 10:11 PM To: jeevacation@gmail.com Subject: Jackie in Bensalem, Lindenhurst, Atlantic City! my autobiography, "The Joke Man: Bow To Stern <http://jackiethejokeman.com/> " is ready for action! it's being released October 24th ... on Pre-Sale now! take care of many Holiday presents with one click! http://jackiethejokeman.com <http://jackiethejokeman.com/> my simple request is everybody buy my book as Christmas and/or Hanukkah gifts for everyone on their list, as Halloween & Thanksgiving presents (even though there's no such thing), and/or for birthday gifts & whatever reasons you can think of. it's been years & years of free jokes & laughs, so you owe me. ah, maybe not. so, simply put, please buy a book or ten ... Oringer walks into the Patent Office office and says to the girl behind the desk, "I'd like to register my new invention, a folding bottle." She says, "Sure. What do you call it?" He says, "A fottle." She says, "That's kind of silly." He says, "I'll work on the name. I also have a folding carton." She says, "Okay. What do you call that?" He says, "A farton." She says, "That's disgusting. You can't use that name." He says, "I guess I'll scratch out the one for my folding bucket." ***** **• please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... glackieMartling A guy wakes up in a hospital bed. He says, "Doc, I can't feel my legs." The doctor says, "That's because we amputated both of your arms." EFTA_R1_01441529 EFTA02403085 1/11/411 It's snowing as I type, but I'm willing it to melt before I send these jokes. The sun is my snowshovel, which drives my Barbara up a wall. our sitcom pilot, "Shoot Me Nicely," is burning up film festivals here and abroad ... watch all 18 delicious minutes of Elias Plagianos' masterpiece here: http://shootmenicely.com <http://shootmenicely.com/> we're close to a deal, wheeeeee! again! please buy many, many copies of my book! I call that Incredibly Direct Marketing. (yeah, I may be overdoing it, but I only put out an autobiography every-so-often ...) when's the last time you "Used Your Finger!" and dialed (516) 922-WINE ?! still going, 38 years later ... 1516-922-9463 j please tell everybody you know: to get on the list for monthly jokes, just e-mail me: jokeland@aol.com <mailto:jokeland@aol.com> and remember ... There was a time in Ireland, when the women chased the men ... But the men, the fools, took out their tools, And chased them back again. I'm a poet and my dick is a Longfellow ... Long Island! I hope to see you at Studio Theatre in Lindenhurst 8pm Saturday, April 15th ... with Rich Grillo ... this is where I cut & paste I love you & appreciate you, and always have ... Jackie The third-grade teacher says, "Johnny, what do you want to do when you grow up?" Johnny says, "I wanna be really rich and have all kinds of stuff and have a plane and get a whore and travel all over the world getting drunk and having a lot of fun." The teacher says, "Umm uhh ... very good, John ... M-Mary, what do you want to do when you grow up?" Mary says, "I wanna be Johnny's whore!" Remember: the only way to avoid an alcohol-related accident is to get so fucked up you can't find your car. 2 EFTA_R1_01441530 EFTA02403086 Harry says to his brother, "I have to go to England for three weeks, so I have to leave my cat with you. Please take real good care of her." His brother says, "Relax." A few days after he gets to England, Harry calls his brother and say, "How's my cat?" His brother says, "The cat's dead." Harry says, "Geeeez. Why'd you have to be so blunt? Couldn't you have broken it to me a little more gently? Like, you could have told me the cat was on the roof, and you called the Fire Department, but just before they got to her, she slipped and fell to the ground, and you rushed her to the vet but there was nothing he could do to save her ..." His brother says, "Whatever." Harry says, "How's Ma?" His brother says, "Umm ... Ma's on the roof ..." 8pm Wednesday, April 12th Joe Conklin's Comedy Night The 360 Lounge Parx Casino <http://parxcasino.com/> 2999 Street Road Bensalem, Pennsylvania http://parxcasino.com <http://parxcasino.com/> ***** • • 8pm Saturday, April 15th with Rich Grillo Studio Theatre <http://studiotheatreli.com/> 141 South Wellwood Ave. Lindenhurst, New York (631) 226-8400 http://studiotheatreli.com <http://www.studiotheatreli.com/> 9pm Sun-Thu, April 23-27 ... but with Richie Minervini Borgata Hotel Casino & Spa <https://www.theborgata.com/shows/events/all- events?name=&date=&venue=THE+MUSIC+BOX> 1 Borgata Way Atlantic City, New Jersey tix 1-866-900-4849 https://www.theborgata.com/ all show info on jokeland.com <http://www.jokeland.com/> 3 EFTA_R1_01441531 EFTA02403087 A married couple goes to the same Chinese restaurant every Sunday for thirty years. Every time they walk in the owner says, "Herro! You my favorite couple. You made for each other. Rast so rong. You meant to be!" One Sunday the guy walks in alone. The Chinese guy says, "Wha hoppen?" The guy says, "We got a divorce." The Chinese guy says, "Oh, you much-a betta off-a now." How do you sell a duck to a deaf person? WANT TO BUY A DUCK? A drunk wakes up in a cemetery lying in a freshly-dug grave. He says, "I-if I'm alive, h-how come there's a tombstone? And i-if I'm dead, h-how come I have to take a piss?" A kid and his Jewish girlfriend are sitting on her living room couch. Her parents are in the kitchen watching as he runs to the bathroom every few minutes. Abe says to his wife, "What's the matter with that boy? I don't like all of this running business. Maybe he's got a disease. Becky, go on, you go ask him what's the matter with him." The girl's mother meets the kid in the hallway and says, "Why do you keep running to the bathroom?" The kid says, "Well, your ... your daughter is so pretty that every time I look at her, I ... I get an erection. So I keep running to the bathroom to put cold water on it, to keep it down." She goes back into the kitchen and Abe says, "Well, what is it? Does he have a disease?" She says, "You should have such a disease." Feldman's walking along a cliff when he comes to a girl standing on the edge. He says, "What're you doing?" She says, "I'm trying to get up the nerve to jump." He says, "Hey, as long as you're gonna kill yourself anyway, how about we have sex first?" She says, "You jerk! You asshole! Get the fuck out of here." He says, "Okay, I'll just meet you at the bottom." please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartling 4 EFTA_R1_01441532 EFTA02403088 A guy is smooching with his sweetheart when he tries to put his hand under her skirt. She says, "Please don't. My mother made me promise never to let a man put his hand under my skirt. But if you put your hand down my back, it's the second hole you come to." What'd they call it when the Kingfish married Sapphire? Holy mackeral-mony. A young couple has sex, and when they're finished, she looks in the box of condoms, and there's only six left out of the twelve. She says, "What happened to the other condoms?" He says, "I, uh I made balloon animals out of them for my niece and nephew." That night she's out to dinner with a guy friend and tells him what happened, and she says, "Have you ever done that?" He says, "Of course. All the time." She says, "Really? You make balloon animals out of condoms?" He says, "Oh, no. I thought you were asking me if I've ever lied to my girlfriend." A WalMart Greeter in Cleveland is standing near the entrance with her clipboard when a really, really ugly woman comes in with a five-year-old and a ten-year-old. She's dragging the five-year-old, and bitching at the kids in a shrill, screeching voice non-stop. The greeter says, "Excuse me, are they twins, ma'am?" She says, "Of course not, you idiot. They're five years apart. Why in hell would you think they was twins?" The Greeter says, "I just can't believe anybody would've fucked you twice." Two psychiatrists are walking along and there's a guy coming the other way. Just as the guy's passing them, he turns and spits right in the first psychiatrist's face. And the psychiatrist keeps walking. The second psychiatrist says, "Aren't you going to do something about that?" The first psychiatrist says, "Why should I? It's his problem." A dentist walks in with a needle to give Kasten a shot of Novocain. Kasten says, "No way! No needles! I hate needles!" The dentist starts hooking up the nitrous oxide and Kasten says, "No! No! I can't do the gas thing, either!" The dentist says, "Can you take a pill?" Kasten says, "Fine." The dentist reaches into a drawer, takes out a pill and says, "Here's a Viagra." 5 EFTA_R1_01441533 EFTA02403089 Kasten says, "Wow. I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer." The dentist says, "It doesn't. But it'll going to give you something to hold on to while I'm yanking out your tooth." my autobiography, "The Joke Man: Bow To Stern" is ready for action! it's being released October 24th ... on Pre-Sale now! take care of many Holiday presents with one click! http://jackiethejokeman.com <http://jackiethejokeman.com/> ***** *** A guy's in a taxi on the way home from a business trip a day early. It's after midnight and he says, "Cabbie, I think my wife's been cheating on me. If I give you a thousand bucks, will you be my witness?" The cabbie says, "Sure, pal." They get to the house, go in, the husband grabs his gun from the closet and he and the cabbie tip-toe upstairs. The husband pushes open the bedroom door, switches on the light, pulls the blanket off, and seeing his wife and a stranger lying there naked, he puts the gun to the naked guy's head. His wife says, "Harry, don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. Felix paid for the Corvette I gave you, he paid for the cabin cruiser, and he paid for our country club membership. Felix even pays our monthly club dues." The husband lowers the gun and says to the cabbie, "What would you do?" The cabbie says, "I'd cover Felix's ass with that blanket before he catches cold." Special! download! <http://store.oglio.com/product/jm6cdhs/> download six of my wild dirty jokes Oglio CD's only $20! plus! ... you get a hundred insults & "The Pot Song" ! Jackie's 6 CD Special! <http://store.oglio.com/product/jm6cdhs/> Schmidlap's golfing and gets a hole-in-one on the first hole. Then he gets another hole-in-one on the second hole. Then his cell phone rings, he answers, and a voice says, "This is North Shore Hospital. Your wife has been in a very serious car accident and you should come immediately." Schmidlap figures, "Let me play one more hole ..." The next hole he gets an eagle, he gets all excited, keeps playing, and has his best round ever. He breaks the club record, everybody's congratulating him, and then suddenly he remembers about his wife. He races to the hospital, runs down the hallway, and a doctor grabs him and says, "You piece of shit. You played golf while we worked on your poor wife? Well, she's a vegetable, and from now on you're going to have to feed her and change her diapers. It looks like your golf days are over." Schmidlap breaks down crying and says, "My God, Doc. I feel like such a lowly scumbag. What the hell's wrong with me? The doctor says, "I was only fucking with you, she's dead. What'd you shoot?" 6 EFTA_R1_01441534 EFTA02403090 yep, it's The JokeLand E-Mail List! free yuks! please tell everybody you know! free jokes! free jokes! ... by just e-mailing me, jokeland@aol.com Two girls are talking. The first one says, "I just read that it's against the law to go topless in the New York subways." Her friend says, "Thank God. It's bad enough when you catch your scarf in those doors." ***** 4** How's a blind man know when he's done wiping? The toilet paper stops sticking to his forehead. *•* ***** An Italian guy goes up to his neighbor and says, "Ey, Tony, lemme axe you a question. You like-a woman with-a big, sloppy tits, that droop-a down this-a far?" Tony says, "No." He says, "Hokay. Now, lemme axe you another querstion. You like-a woman with-a big-a huge ass like a dump-a truck?" Tony says, "Hell, no." He says, "Now lemme axe you one more question. You like-a woman with-a big, thick-a moustache and she's-a all the time smell like garlic?" Tony says, "What-a you, crazy?" He says, "Then why you fuck-a my wife?" What's the difference between a hog and a musician? A hog won't to stay up and drink all night just so's he can fuck a hog. The average vagina is eight inches deep, and the average penis is five and a half inches long ... ... which means in New York City alone there's thirteen miles of unused pussy. The World's Best Gifts! <http://store.oglio.com/product/jm6cdhs/> they keep on giving! all six of Jackie's Oglio joke CD's ... hard copies or downloads! 7 EFTA_R1_01441535 EFTA02403091 The Joke Man, Sgt.Pecker, Hot Dogs & Donuts, Come Again?, F. Jackie & snart ... <http://store.oglio.com/product/jm6cdhs/> are available on Amazon, iTunes ( snart is on sale! ), and at Oglio.com Friedman's in a hotel in a deserted Alaskan town. He comes out of his room and sees another guy in a tuxedo. He says, "What are you all dressed up for? There's nothing to do in this town." The other guy says, "We all go to Joe at the end of the hall. If you're nice to his dog, you can fuck Joe in the nose." Friedman says, "You sick bastard." A few weeks later, Friedman's really horny and sees the guy in the hall in his tuxedo. Friedman says, "I want to go with you to see Joe." The other guy says, "Well, you have to dress up a bit, and be nice to Joe's dog." Friedman puts on a coat and tie and they go to Joe's room. They walk in, they both pat the dog on the head, Joe smiles, and then they both fuck Joe in the nose. When they're done, Joe says to Friedman, "Can I ask you two questions?" Friedman says, "Okay." Joe says, "Well, first off, did you enjoy it?" Friedman says, "Umm ... well, it was different. But, you know what? Yeah, in it's own weird way, I guess it was pretty good." Joe says, "And ... do you have any diseases?" Friedman says, "Of course not." Joe goes, "Snoorrrrtttt." ***** *** please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST @JackieMartling A kid walks in and says, "Mommy, I had sex with my teacher after school today." She says, "Go sit in the corner until your father gets home." He says, "I can't." ... and huge thanks to Phil lazzetta & iHeart Radio 24/7 Comedy he plays me a-plenty ... ****•*** What would you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a box with his arms and legs? Kit. 8 EFTA_R1_01441536 EFTA02403092 A Chinese guy, a Russian guy, an American guy and a Jewish guy are sitting on a park bench. A pollster comes up to them and says, "Excuse me, what's your opinion on the meat shortage?" The Chinese guy says, "What's an opinion? The Russian says, "What's meat?" The American says, "What's a shortage?" The Jewish guy says, "What's 'excuse me?' " As a father shark and his son are gliding up to a bunch of people frolicking in the ocean, the father says, "First we'll swim around them a few times, with just the tip of our fins showing." After they do it, the father says, "Now we'll swim around them a few times with our fins sticking all the way out of the water." After they do that, the father says, "Now we'll eat everybody." After they've eaten everybody, the son says, "Pop, why didn't we just eat them right away? What was with all that swimming around them nonsense?" The father says, "Because they're much tastier when there's no shit inside." the $2.95 Guys are the official supplier of all JokeLand tees PikCARDS are the greatest! terrific ads for your band! please take a look! www.pikcard.com <http://www.pikcard.com/> A guy's standing at the bar and he's got two huge lumps on his head. The bartender says, "I gotta ask, pal ... what the hell happened to you?" The guy says, "My wife hit me with a chair." The bartender says, "Why the hell'd she do that?" The guys says, "Well, I guess I earned it. She brought home a Do-It-yourself waxing kit this morning and asked me if she should just do the sides or leave a strip down the middle. And I said I'd prefer she have no moustache at all." for great dirty jokes 24/7, Use Your Finger! dial (516) 922-WINE ! free jokes for The Universe since 1979... simply dial (516) 922-9463 ... ... not a pay service, just a regular call ... 38 years of free jokes! for the kids: 9 EFTA_R1_01441537 EFTA02403093 Knock, knock... Who's there? Atch Atch who? God Bless You. Who steals chopped meat? A hamburglar. What's yellow and weighs a thousand pounds? Two five-hundred-pound canaries. Why don't lobsters share? They're shellfish. What would you call an elephant who never washes? A smellyphant. What city has the most cows? Moo York. End of Kids' Section! What would you call a hooker with jizz all over her face? Call her a cab ... her job is done. Haggerty's fingering his big fat girlfriend. She says, "Would you mind take off your ring? It's scratching me." Haggerty says, "That's not my ring. It's my wristwatch." How can you tell if it's a debutante giving you a hand job? She crooks her pinkie. *•****s Rosegarten's duck won't eat, so he takes it to a vet. The vet says, "When ducks get old, their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it hard for them to pick up food. You need to file down his upper bill even with his lower bill. But be careful, because a duck's nostrils are in his upper bill and if you file it down too much, when he takes a drink of water he'll drown." A week later the doctor runs into Rosegarten and says, "So how's your duck?" Rosegarten says, "He's dead." The doctor says, "Dead? Jesus, man, I told you not to file his upper bill down too far. So he took a drink of water and drowned?" 10 EFTA_R1_01441538 EFTA02403094 Rosegarten says, "No, I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise." Minervini's in Europe and he gets a phone call. A voice says, "Listen, your mother-in-law passed away. Should we cremate her or bury her?" He says, "Don't take any chances. Do both." please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... glackieMartling S....,. to hear endless jokes from all of my CDs, get the Pandora or the Spotify app and type in "Jackie Martling" A seventy-five year old guy's in the same nursing home as his ninety-seven year-old mother, it's her birthday, and he hasn't got a gift for her. Being a thoughtful son, he goes into her room and says, "Mom, I got no present for you, so to celebrate your birthday, why don't we fuck?" And she agrees, because it helps the joke. They get naked, they climb on the bed, and they get to it. After a few minutes of huffing and puffing, the old girl starts shitting like mad all over the bed. He says, "Jesus Christ, Ma, what's going on?" She says, "I-I'm way too old t-to have an o-orgasm, a-and I wanted to do something to show you h-how much I was enjoying myself." How do you know when your wife's ass is too hairy? She takes a shit and you don't hear a splash. Susie's sixteen, walks into the house at two in the morning, and her mother's waiting for her, mad as hell. Susie says, "But, Mom, I was with Fred, and I love him." Her mother says, "It's not love, it's infatuation." Susie says, "But I blew him and then he fucked me in the ass." Her mother says, "That's infatuation. When he fucks you in the ass and then you blow him, that's love." S•4,10 A priest's getting a flat tire fixed. 11 EFTA_R1_01441539 EFTA02403095 As the car's coming down on the lift, the priest says to the mechanic, "Are the lug nuts tight?" The mechanic says, "Tight as a nun's cunt, Father." The priest says, "Then you better give 'em another turn." please follow me on Twitter ! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartling Three Polish kids flunk Sex Ed. The first kid says, "We gotta get even with that bitch." The second kid says, "Yeah. We'll strip her." The third kid says, "Yeah. And then we'll suck her cock." www.jokeland.com for information on Jackie's shows, you can always just "Use Your Finger!" thirty-eight years of free jokes! and dial (516) 922-WINE ... (516) 922.9463 not a pay service, just a local call ... Farmer Schmitt has a group over to play poker, and little Jethro keeps running around the table, yelling out loud what cards everybody's holding. No matter what the farmer gives his kid to do, he keeps coming back and wrecking the game. Finally, Farmer Schmitt's neighbor says, "This here ain't no good. We're gonna get out of here." Revenend Bates says, "Hold on," leads Jethro out of the room, and comes back in a few minutes later. And after that, they never see the kid again. Farmrr Nelson says, "Rev, what the heck'd you do to Jethro?" The reverend says, "I showed him how to jerk off." my autobiography, "The Joke Man: Bow To Stern" is ready for action! it's being released October 24th ... on Pre-Sale now! take care of many Holiday presents with one click! http://jackiethejokeman.com <http://jackiethejokeman.com/> I hope you enjoyed this month's jokes ... if you didn't, why don't you go suck on a horse's ass until his head caves in? 12 EFTA_R1_01441540 EFTA02403096 You've received this e-mail either because you've signed up at the JokeLand website to be kept informed about what Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling is up to, or because you are currently having an online dialog with Jackie. If this is not the case OR to be forever removed from this list, please send an e-mail to jokeland@aol.com with the word "unlist" in the subject line. thanks, JokeLand Inc. Box 58 Sayville, NY 11709 USA This email was sent by JokeLand, Inc., located at Box 58, Sayville, NY 11709 (USA). You've received this e-mail either because you've signed up at the JokeLand website to be kept informed about what Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling is up to, or because you are currently having an online dialog with Jackie. If this is not the case OR to be forever removed from this list, please click here or reply to this email with "unlist" in the Subject line. 13 EFTA_R1_01441541 EFTA02403097