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subculture; I just rename them for a general audience. Many polyfolk have similar
insights about relationship communication."
Being in southern Africa, seeing all these men partnered with multiple women, has
brought that conversation to mind. Because the majority of men can't afford multiple
wives and some churches frown on the practice, polygyny isn't exactly the default -- but
it's certainly a well-respected, highly desirable relationship formation. (Polygyny is the
most precise term for the type of polygamy that's practiced here, where men can have
multiple wives but women can't have multiple husbands. However, a lot of Africans
simply call it "polygamy.")
And men who can't go the open route frequently do the same thing discreetly. In the July
2009 issue of New African Magazine, Akua Djanie -- who moved to England at age 10
and grew up there -- observes: "I know very few African men, especially those living on
the continent, who keep only one partner. The majority of men I come across are in
multiple relationships, sometimes open, but most times on the quiet." She also notes that
"in some instances, a man's manhood is judged by the number of women he can keep.”
So monogamy is not the default; and negotiating monogamy is difficult, here. But a new
factor makes it a matter of life and death: HIV.
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The basic centerpiece of HIV prevention is ABC -- Abstinence, Being faithful, and using
Condoms. But the three strategies haven't always received equal airtime. "The Fidelity
Fix," a 2004 New York Times Magazine article by Helen Epstein, quoted one analyst who
believed "partner reduction has been the neglected middle child of the ABC approach."
Epstein wrote, "Perhaps the topic seems weighted with moral judgment; perhaps Western
advisors in particular feel it would be insensitive to raise it; perhaps they also feel it
would be futile to try to change deeply rooted patterns of behavior." She outlined those
patterns and concluded, "A fidelity campaign does seem worth a try, even if it might
seem overly simplistic and preachy." Another expert, quoted in a 2007 Washington Post
piece on multiple partners in Botswana, agreed: "There has never been equal emphasis on
‘Don't have many partners’.... If you just say, 'Use the condom’... we will never see the
daylight of the virus leaving us."
Living in southern Africa now, it seems clear that this recommendation has been taken to
heart. I regularly spot posters, stickers and billboards for fidelity campaigns that
apparently didn't exist a few years ago. Although cultural pride is a big deal here, locals
routinely disparage risky marriage-related cultural practices: for instance, many speak
harshly against wife inheritance, whereby a woman whose husband has died is
traditionally expected to marry his brother. Many such practices are becoming more and
more unusual. However, the larger phenomenon of polygyny seems harder to budge.
I recently sat in on a partner reduction dialogue for one town's church leaders; it was
attended by representatives both from churches that allow polygamous marriages, and
those that don't. The discussion was quite civil, though one anti-polygamy preacher did
make snide comments towards the polygamists. They talked about issues like an absence
of marriage counseling, preachers’ failure to act as positive role models, and churches’
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