HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018622.jpg

Similarly, there are one or two men in my life that I'm attracted to but don't want a sexual connection with at all. So I try not to see them unless I feel inoculated: I don't hang out with them unless I'm sure I can distract myself with my feelings about another man. A lot of polyamorists say that "love is infinite," that we can love lots of people, etc. I agree with this in theory -- but there's also a polyamorous saying that "While love may be infinite, time is not." And hormones aren't infinite, either. I've learned my hormonal reactions, I've seen myself get imprinted by people... I've seen myself develop feelings and fantasies for one guy that made me 100% immune to another hot guy's charms. Do I have perfect self-control? Absolutely not. That's why I'm trying to influence my own choices so carefully. I know that choice plays a huge role when we build relationships. Choosing to commit is arguably as big a relationship factor as instinctive chemistry. ... Arguably. te Kk ok When I first got to college many moons ago, my roommate came from a family of immigrants with a tradition of arranged marriages. She and I stayed up late one night, perched on our dorm room mattresses, and I listened in fascination while she told me that her father wanted her to marry a man of her father’s choice, rather than her own. "I'm not sure whether I'll do it," she said. I watched her wave a hand airily. I was mesmerized by her casual acceptance of a custom that struck me as barbaric. "I mean," she said, "I'm cool with this guy that my dad's found for me. But I don't know if we're that cool. On the other hand, I can't deny the advantages of arranged marriages.” "Advantages!" I cried. I was so young... (Okay, I'm still young.) "What do you mean, advantages?!" "Arranged marriages are more stable," she said. "Much more stable. I'm not sure I'd ever want to marry for love. That shit goes up in smoke.” From what I understand, there have even been studies about this: that people in arranged marriages report being quite happy, quite stable. I've gotten the it's-not-passion-that-makes-a-successful-marriage message before, of course -- often from super-white, super-American Americans. For example, there's that infamous 2008 article "Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr. Good Enough." The article is sure to send any woman roughly my age into a panic. It's made enough of an impression that I still have conversations about it with other women my age -- almost four years after its debut. I don't like the Settling writer's attitude. She's written with horror and anger about S&M in other venues, for example; and the whole Settling article has a generally conservative bent. But she's articulating some real feelings and important thoughts, and while I don't agree with all of them, I do agree with some. At one point, analyzing television, she notes that: While Rachel and her supposed soul mate, Ross, finally get together (for the umpteenth time) in the finale of Friends, do we feel confident that she'll be happier with Ross than HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018622