EFTA00714328.pdf

From: "Jackie Martling' To: jeevacation@gmail.com Subject: see Jackie! Las Vegas, Long Island! Date: Mon, 18 Apr 2016 19:52:55 +0000 Leeds gets a new job, so he has to take a physical. The doctor finishes the exam and says, "Jesus, Mr. Leeds, you've got the smallest penis I've ever seen. Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?" Leeds says, "No. I've got a great wife, two kids, and a normal sex life. I guess the only problem I have is finding it when I have to take a piss." The doctor says, "You have a problem finding it to urinate? Then how the hell do you have a normal sex life?" Leeds says, "Because when we want to fuck, there's two of us looking for it." An old guy's son offers to take him to a whore house for his eightieth birthday. He says, "I'll need earplugs, a clothespin, and a condom." His son says, "Why?" He says, "Because if there's anything I can't stand, it's the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber." ******* 7pm Saturday, June 4th The Brokerage Comedy Club 2792 Merrick Road Bellmore, Long Island NY (516) 785-8655 brokeragt,govs.com ******* all show info on jokeland.com I know I'm getting old. I have to take Viagra just to finger fuck. ******* Shenkle is walking with his three daughters. One of his daughters says, "Daddy, how'd I get my name?" EFTA00714328 Shenkle says, "In the hall at the hospital, a nurse was walking by with some flowers and a rose petal blew off and landed on your head. So we named you Rose." Another one of his daughters says, "Daddy, how'd I get my name?" Shenkle says, "When you were first brought in to your mother in her room, a petal from the daisies by her bed blew onto your head, so we named you Daisy." The third sister says, "Blmmmffblm ..." Her father says, "Shut the fuck up, Cinderblock." fantastic podcast with Gilbert Gottfried & Frank Santopadre Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast www.gilbertpodcast.com/j ackie-ma rtling ******* check us out! Ian "McKean" Karr & the great Mark Hudson & me have started a podcast "Jackie's Joke Hunt" ... please join us! I did Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast and me & Gilbert & his sidekick Frank Santopadre howled for ninety minutes ... be sure to have a listen! ... I'll be in Las Vegas on April 23rd for the 24/7 Comedy Festiml at Orleans Arena with my pal Bobby Slayton and many, many more! what a great reason to hit Las Vegas! when's the last time you "Used Your Finger" and dialed (516) 922-WINE ?! still going, 37 years later ... I 516-922-9463 1 please spread the word about this silly list. Jackie ******* A penguin walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender says, "What's he look like?" EFTA00714329 ******** please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartling ******* Last night, I was in a bar and I got into a fight with a NASCAR driver. I ran out and jumped in my car and took off, and he ran out after me, jumped in his car and took off after me. ... but it was easy to lose him. I just turned right. ****** Woodbury says to the doctor, "Doc, I've got this uncontrollable need to fuck horses." The doctor says, "Male or female?" Woodbury says, "Female. I ain't no queer." ****** 7:30pm this Saturday. April 23rd with my old pal, The Pitbull of Comedy Bobby Slayton! and many, many more! iHeart Radio 24/7 Comedy Fest The Orleans Arena 4500 West Tropicana Avenue Las Vegas, Nevada (702) 284-7777 1-888-234-2334 orleansarena.com ******* 8pm Wednesday, April 27th Empire Casino 810 Yonkers Avenue Yonkers, New York (914).968-4200 rnpirecitycasino.com EFTA00714330 9pm Friday, April 29th JJ Comedy Celine's Bistro 87 Route 23 North Wantage, New Jersey 1-866-552-6633 http://jcomedy.com ******* 8pm Saturday, April 30th JJ Comedy Best Western Plus Regency House Hotel 140 State Route 23 North Pompton Plains, New Jersey 1-866-552-6633 http://jjcomedy.com ******* Rochester! three big shows! Fri-Sat, May 20-21st The Comedy Club 2235 Empire Blvd. Webster, New York (585) 671-9080 thecomedvclub.us ******* 7pm Saturday, June 4th The Brokerage Comedy Club 2792 Merrick Road Bellmore, Long Island NY (516) 785-8655 brokerageigovs.com EFTA00714331 Rosegarten walks into a coffee shop and says, "How much for coffee and a donut?" The waitress says, "Donuts are seventy-five cents, coffee is a buck and refills are free." Rosegarten says, "I'll take a donut and a refill." ******* Sadie is forty-five, five-foot-one, one hundred sixty pounds, three times divorced, and single. She goes to see her rabbi and says, "Bernie and Irving are both in love with me. Who will be the lucky one?" The rabbi says, "Bernie will marry you. Irving will be the lucky one." ***** When's the most dangerous time to fuck Oprah? When the helicopter in her cunt's taking off ***** There's a huge seven-alarm bar fire in New York City and trucks are dispatched from all five boroughs. When it's finally under control, one of the fire chiefs walks in and there's two Irish guys standing at the bar. The chief says, "I can't believe you guys were in here through all this. How'd the fire start?" One of the Irish guys says, "We've no idea. It was burning when we came in." ***** Why'd the married guy put a strobe light over his bed before he flicked his wife? So it'd look like she was moving ***** A rancher says to his Mexican foreman, "I think sex fifty per cent work and fifty per cent fun. What do you think?" The Mexican says, "I theenk eet ees one hundrett per cent play." The rancher say, "Why's that?" The Mexican says, "Because eef eet were any kinte off work, for sure you would make mee do eet." ***** Special! download all six of my wild dirty jokes Oglio CD's only $20! EFTA00714332 plus! ... you get a hundred insults & "The Pot Song" ! Jackie's 6 CD Special A girl goes up to the drugstore counter and says, "I'd like a box of condoms." The druggist says, "Don't want to have any kids, eh?" She says, "No, my boyfriend doesn't want to get any shit on his cock." ****** What's the difference between your wedding and your funeral? At your wedding you get to smell your flowers. ****** yep, it's The JokeLand E-Mail List! free yuks! please tell everybody you know! free jokes! free jokes! ... by just e-mailing me, jokeland@aol.com ******* Hoffman's in his car with a girl and says, "How about a hand job?" She says, "I don't know what that is." He says, "Remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it? Just do that." She says "Okay." He takes it out, and she grabs it. A few minutes later, he goes, "Ahhh!!" She says, "What's the matter?" He says, "Take your fucking thumb off the end" ******** What are the two kinds of sex? The kind you have in a warm, intimate relationship ... and then there's the good kind. ******** Robin Quivers joins Donald Trump at a New York City stable to go for a ride. They're just mounting when Robin's horse's tail goes up and the horse blasts a huge EFTA00714333 fart, lbbbtt!" She turns to Trump and says, "I'm so embarrassed." He says, "You shouldn't be. I thought it was the horse." ******** The World's Best Gifts! they keep on giving! all six of Jackie's Oglio joke CD's ... hard copies or downloads! The Joke Man, Sgt.Pecker, Hot Dogs & Donuts, Come Again?, F. jackie & snart are available on Amazon, iThnes ( snart is on sale! ), and at Oglio.com ********* How'd Helen Keller get killed crossing the street? She stopped to read the sewer cap. ******** please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST @JackieMartling ********* A college kid's in a suit walking home from a job interview when a Cadillac pulls up along side him. The driver opens the window and says, "What's your politics?" The kid says, "I'm a Democrat," and the guy screeches away, blasting gravel in the kid's face. A Lexus pulls up along side him. The driver opens the window and says, "What's your politics?" The kid says, "I'm a Democrat." The guy throws his coffee at the kid and zooms away. A blonde in a convertible Corvette pulls up along side him. She opens the window and says, "What's your politics?" The kid says, "I'm a Republican." She says, "Hop in and let's go to my place." They go to her place, get undressed, and start getting it on. He says, "Unbelievable. I've only been a Republican for twenty minutes and I'm already flicking somebody I don't know." EFTA00714334 ********* ... and huge thanks to Phil Iazetta & iHeart Radio 24/7 Comedy click to listen! he plays me a-plenty ... ******** A mother and her daughter are walking along the beach. The girl says, "Mom, do you think I'm old enough to start douching?" Her mother says, "Why don't you ask one of the seagulls that are following you?" ******** please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartling ******* to hear endless jokes from all of my CDs, get the Pandora or the Spotify_ app and type in "Jackie Martling"... ******** Beccarino goes to the Post Office to apply for a job and the interviewer says, "Were you in the service?" Beccarino says, "Yeah, I was in Viet Nam for three years." The interviewer says, "Are you disabled?" Beccarino says, "Yeah, a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off. I'm on a hundred per-cent disability." The interviewer says, "Okay, you're hired. The hours are eight to four, and you can start tomorrow. Come in at ten o'clock." Beccarino says, "If the hours are eight to four, why do you want me to come in at ten?" The interviewer says, "This is a government job. For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that." ******** the $2.95 Guys are the official supplier of all JokeLand tees PikCARDS are the greatest! terrific ads for your band! EFTA00714335 please take a look! www.pikcard.com ********* How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis. Ladder! I meant ladder! ********* for great dirty jokes 24/7, Use Your Finger! dial (516) 922-WINE ! free jokes for The Universe since 1979... simply dial (516) 922-9463 ... ... not a pay service, just a regular call... 37 years of free jokes! ******* It's 1946, Durkin's got a seaside bar & grill on the boardwalk on Coney Island, and business is terrible. It's midnight, the joint's empty, and just as he decides he's going to lock the door for the last time, a clam walks in. The clam says, "Too late to get a gin and tonic?" Durkin, says, "Nah, what the hell," goes behind the bar, and serves the clam a drink. The clam starts telling Durkin about his hard life, sprinkled with a few really funny stories, and then says, "Mind if I play the piano?" Durkin says, "Nah, what the hell, go ahead." The clam sits at the piano and starts pounding away and singing his heart out. A few people walking by see him, come in, and start drinking. Pretty soon the place is full, the clam never stops, and everybody stays until closing time. After everybody's gone, Durkin says to the clam, "You ain't bad. What's your name?" The clam says, "I'm Joe. Want me to come back tomorrow night?" Durkin says, "Yeah. I want you here every night." Durkin puts a sign in the window, "Tonight, on the piano, Joe The Clam," and for the next few months the place is packed to the hilt six nights a week. Durkin's swimming in cash, there's women everywhere, and Joe's become a local celebrity. One Monday, it's the afternoon of their day off, and Joe comes dragging himself into the bar. His shell all busted up, it's hanging off him in pieces, and he's in really bad shape. Durkin says, "What the hell happened to you?" Joe says, "I was under the pier with this hot starfish and her boyfriend caught us. He's a lobster, and he beat me up pretty bad." Durkin takes Joe up to his apartment over the bar and tucks him into bed. He says, "Just rest, Joe. You're going to be fine. Now, listen ... I got a date tonight with that blonde who's been coming in lately, so if we come in and I manage to get her into the bed, don't EFTA00714336 say anything. Try to stay out of the way." Durkin takes the blonde to dinner, they get drunk, he brings her up to the apartment, they get undressed, they climb into bed and they really go to town. The next working, Durkin's eyes open, he remembers the night before, and he smiles. He looks over at the blonde and says, "Did you have a good time last night?" She says, "Oh, it was wonderful." Durkin says, "Did you like what I did down there with my tongue?" She says, "What was that?" He says, "I said, did you like what I did to you down there with my tongue?" She says, "You didn't do anything to me down there with your tongue." Durkin says, "Oh my God ... I ate my best friend." for the kids: What'd the judge say to the skunk? "Odor in the court." How can you tell when an elephant'is getting ready to charge? She pulls out her American Express card. What'd the hot dog say when he won the race? "I'm the Weiner! I'm the weiner!" Why was the broom late for school? Because it overswept. Where do cows hang their paintings? In a m000-seum. I'm a three-letter word you do all the time, and if you take away the last two letters, I still sound the same ... what am I? Pee. What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop musk. END of KIDS' SECTION ******* An Italian guy goes up to his neighbor and says, "Ey, Tony, you like-a woman with-a big, sloppy tits, that droop-a down this-a far?" Tony says, "No." EFTA00714337 He says, "You like-a woman with-a big huge ass like a dump truck?" Tony says, "Hell no." He says, "You like-a woman with-a big, thick-a moustache and she's a smell like garlic all the time?" Tony says, "Of course not." He says, "Then why you fuck-a my wife?" What's it mean when you go out and get drunk and wake up next to an ugly woman? You made it home. ******* A hunter walks into a bar and says, "I'm the best hunter there ever was. You hand me with a hide, I'll tell you what animal it came from, and what killed it, and I'll do it blindfolded." The bartender blindfolds him and hands him an animal skin. He handles it for a few minutes, and then he says, "Bear." Then he feels the bullet hole and says, "Shot with a .308 rifle." And he's right. The cook brings in a skin from his truck, hands it to the hunter, but then the hunter says, "Elk, shot with a 125 grain fixed broad head," and he's right again. For the rest of the night, he keeps winning and downing drink after drink. The next morning he gets up and looks in the mirror and sees he has a black eye. He says to his wife, "Where'd I get this black eye?" She says, "From me. You got into bed, put your hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit, and then said, 'Skunk, killed with a hatchet.'" ******* If a Jewish man does something and his wife isn't there to see it, is he still wrong? ******* An engaged woman, a married woman and a mistress decide that one night they're going to wear S&M-style leather, stilettos, and a mask over their eyes, and see what happens with their partners. When they meet a few days later, the engaged woman says, "Last night, when my boyfriend came home, I was wearing the leather, the stilettos, and the mask, he said, 'Wow ... you're incredible ... I love you,' and we made love all night long." The mistress says, "Last night, when we met in his office, I was wearing leather, stilettos, a mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. He just grabbed me and fucked my brains out." The married woman says, "Last night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, EFTA00714338 and then got myself into the leather, the stilettos and the mask. When my husband walked in from work, he grabbed a beer out of the refrigerator and the remote control and said, 'What's for dinner, Batman? " What's the difference between a woman and a condom? It's a lot easier to pin a woman off ***** Magnusson says to Perna, "I learned an important life lesson today. I'm getting married in a few weeks and I went over to my fiancee's house to look at the wedding invitations. She wasn't home, so her mother sat me down to show them to me. And her mother's sexy as hell. As we were looking at the invitations, she started rubbing my leg. Then she worked her way slowly up to the tops of my thighs, and after she knew damn well I had a raging hard-on, she asked me if I'd take her upstairs and fuck her. I got up and left. As I walked out the front door, her father was standing there, and he said, 'You passed our little test, son. Glad to have you in the family."' Perna says, "So what's the life lesson?" Magnusson says, "Always keep your rubbers in the glove compartment." Mrs. Fecalburger walks into the Delivery Room just after her son's wife's given birth to their first baby. Mrs. Fecalburger says to the brand new mom, "I don't mean to be rude, but that child doesn't look anything like my son." Her daughter-in-law pulls up her maternity gown and says, "I don't mean to be rude, either, but this is a cunt, not a copy machine." ***** Two girls are talking. The first one says, "I'm going to ask my doctor how many calories there are in sperm." Her friend says, "Why? If you're swallowing that much, nobody's gonna give a shit if you're a little chubby." ***** Schneider's walking along a cliff when he comes up to a girl standing on the edge. He says, "What're you doing?" She says, "I'm trying to get up the nerve to jump." He says, "Hey, as long as you're gonna kill yourself anyway, how about we have sex first?" She says, "You jerk! Get the fuck out of here." He says, "Okay, I'll just wait for you at the bottom." EFTA00714339 please follow me on Twitter ! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartling ******* Mrs. Fitztitely says to the woman next door, "My husband brought me home some new perfume last night." Her neighbor says, "That's so nice. What's it called." Mrs. Fitztitely says, "Chloroform." Her neighbor says, "Do you like it?" She says, "Not really. It made me sleepy and this morning my ass was sore." ******* www.jokeland.com for information on Jackie's shows, you can always just "Use Your Finger!" thirty-seven years of free jokes! and dial (516) 922-WINE ... (516) 922-9463 not a pay service, just a local call... ****** What's round, sits on a wall, and has a crack through it? Humpty Cunt. ****** I hope you enjoyed this month's jokes ... if you didn't, somewhere a village is missing its idiot ... You've received this e-mail either because you've signed up at the JokeLand website to be kept informed about what Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling is up to, or because you are currently having an online dialog with Jackie. If this is not the case OR to be forever removed from this list, please reply to this e-mail with the word "unlist" in the subject line. thanks, EFTA00714340 a JokeLand E-Mail JokeLand Inc. Box 58 Bayville, NY 11709 USA This email was sent by JokeLand, Inc., located at Box 58, Bayville, NY 11709 (USA). You've received this e- mail either because you've signed up at the JokeLand website to be kept informed about what Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling is up to, or because you are currently having an online dialog with Jackie. If this is not the case OR to be forever removed from this list, please click here or reply to this email with "unlist" in the Subject line. EFTA00714341